The Avengers Go Skiing
by yaySokovia
Summary: The Avengers go skiing because they need a vacation, duh. But, of course, some of their number have never been skiing before, so it is quite an adventure.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: My first fanfic with the Vision! In this fanfic, AoU happened. But the roster didn't change, except for the additions of W & P & V. And W & P are still stupid. **

"Ahhh, this is the life..." Tony Stark mumbled as he sat on the couch, looking out through the wall of windows at the powdery snow wafting down. He and the rest of the Avengers were lounging in the main living room of the Secret Avengers Facility, in upstate New York.

It was two days till Christmas, and the team was enjoying a very, very, very rare moment of complete peace and serenity. It was bliss. Pepper Pots was snuggled into Tony's left side, breathing deeply as she slept, a cup of hot cocoa in her hands. Thor was spread out on the couch across the coffee table. On the other side of the room, Jane Foster stood at the stove heating up some tea. Natasha Romanoff sat on a floor pillow with Bruce Banner, sharing a cup of cocoa with him. Steve, stretched out in a comfy leather lounge chair, was lost in thought. Clint Barton snuggled on the other half of the couch occupied by Tony with his wife, Laura.

Outside, Clint and Laura's kids were out hurling snowballs at each other. Quiet Christmas music played softly in the background.

Wanda and Pietro Maximoff were sitting back to back in a hammock, their feet hanging out opposite sides. They had seen the hammock at a yard sale and couldn't live without. ("It reminds me of Sokovia..." Wanda wailed when Steve tried to pry it from her grasp.)

Thor was tossing Mjolnr to himself, Tony was holding Pepper, Bruce was reading a nuclear bomb construction handbook, and Wanda was flipping through a picture book. Everyone was happy. Everyone, that is, except Pietro. You must remember, dear reader, that Pietro Maximoff practically exists faster than us mere mortals. So, serene, lazy moments like these are his ultimate nemesis.

"Ahhhh..." Tony let out another deep sigh. Reaching over, he was about to brush some of Pepper's hair off of her face, when...

"I AM ZO BORED!" Pietro let out a wild shriek and dove out of the hammock, right onto the coffee table. Everyone jerked back.

"Arrrrgh!" Pepper sat up, rudely awakened, and hurled her steaming hot cocoa right into Bruce's face.

Realizing what he had done, Pietro staggered to his feet, waved his arms, and shouted, "Zorry, zorry, it vas a habit! It vas a habit zorry!" Thor reached over, grabbed the three powerless/trainingless women (Pepper, Laura, and Jane), and with one arm threw all three of them behind the couch. Then, enraged and in pain from the burning coffee, Bruce Hulked out in the smallish living room.

"ROOOOAAAAAAARRRRR!"

Steve lunged out of his chair, while at the same time bellowing "LULLABY!" at the top of his lungs.

"On it!" Tasha quickly threw her body off the floor and grabbed The Hulk around the neck. "HEY BIG GUY SUN'S GETTIN' REAL LOW WHATDYA SAY WE TURN IN?" Tasha blasted, grimacing as the Hulk thrashed around.

"Isn't that supposed to calm him down?!" Tony yelled. He had joined the women behind the couch.

"Shut up or put your armor on!" Steve shouted.

"My armor doesn't work well in tight spaces," Tony excused himself.

"What?! Since when?!" Natasha shrieked in reply. Hulk wildly tossed, trying to remove the Black Widow from his back. Natasha refused to let go, her legs pinwheeling through the air. Her foot accidentally struck the safety release button on one of the hammock hooks on the ceiling, turning the hammock into a long drapey sash, with Wanda valiantly holding on, kicking and screaming. Then baby Nathaniel, who had been asleep in a Pack 'n Play in the corner, woke up and started to wail.

"Don't vorry Zister Vanda, I'll catch you!" Pietro yelled, running around in glowy blue circles underneath the hammock. It was into this scene of utter chaos that little Lila Barton stepped. She had gotten tired of snowballs, and she wanted to get warm. Lila screamed in terror as The Hulk crashed towards her.

Just in time, The Vision, who had been up in the tech lab, heard her frantic wails and came to the rescue. (*begin William Tell Overture*) The Vision quickly lifted Wanda down, carried poor Lila to safety, removed Natasha from Hulk's back, knocked out the Hulk with a sonic taser, and bopped Pietro over the head with Mjolner for good measure. Then, with a swirl of yellow cape, he swished right back on up to the lab. (*end William Tell Overture*)

There was a five second pause, as everyone registered the arrival and departure of Vision. Then, Pepper, Laura, Jane and Clint immediately rushed to Lila and Nathaniel. Pietro lay in an unconscious lump on the floor, alongside the bigger, greener unconscious lump that was Hulk. Natasha crawled under the couch. Wanda sat on the floor, meticulously picking glass shards out of her precious precious combat boots. Thor and Steve, stunned by the sudden chaos, decided to join Vision in the lab. Tony just sat in the wreckage on the floor, sniffling about his 'poor, disintegrated, $25,000 coffee table.'

After a while, Steven decided that he should probably go back and see if the others were still breathing. Not really wanting to go back to the living room, though, he took the longest route possible. As he walked into the wreckage, he spied a fuzzy black slipper peeping out from under the couch. "Is that Tasha?" he gasped, running over, seizing her foot, and dragging her out. "What happened?!"

"You know what happened," Natasha mumbled, smooshing her face into the filled-with-glass-shards carpet.

Trying to be positive, Steve answered, "C'mon, it's not like something like this hasn't happened before."

From the floor, Tony moaned, "But we were having such a nice moment!"

Steve replied, "Well, Tony, you wanted to have that carped replaced anyway."

Holding a screeching Nathaniel, Clint said, "We need a vacation."

"Yes," said Natasha through the carpet.

"Yay!" said Wanda.

"Agreed," said Thor, who had just returned from the lab.

"Oh yeah," said deHulkified Bruce.

"Definitely," said Tony.

"I am never letting my children near you guys again," said Laura.

"Hey..." Pietro wheezily interjected. "Vone of zem's named after me."

"Oh yeah? How does 'Nathaniel Vision Barton' sound?" Laura snapped back.

"Terrible..." Pietro snorted.

"Hey, hey. Sheathe the claws!" Clint stepped in between Laura and Pietro. Turning to the Avengers, the archer said, "Guys, has anyone here ever been skiing?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: The Airplane Ride**

Steve Rogers ambled down the airplane aisle to his seat. The Avengers were on the way to Aspen! After much deliberation and persuasion, the team, Pepper, Laura, and Jane had picked the location, packed their luggage, and boarded one of Tony's many jets (minus Jane and Thor, who had taken the Mjolnr express). Steve plunked down in his seat, reached forward, and pulled out the magazine stuck in the back of the chair in front of him. He opened the cover and flipped the page. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the magazine swished shut. He opened the magazine again. ZWOOSH. Same thing. "What in the world?" Steve reached up to see if the air conditioning vent was blowing it shut. Nope. Once more, he opened his magazine. Swish. "All right, whoever is doing that, stop," Steve declared, annoyed. He stood up, stepped into the aisle, and was picked up by a drink cart. "Agh!" Steve screamed. His field of vision was filled up with Wanda, who was squatting on top of the cart.

With a wild grin, she shrieked right in Steve's face, "Giddyup brother Pietroooo!" Steve almost fell off.

"What the heck!?" He shouted right back. Pietro, who was pushing the cart from behind at superspeed, grimaced and yelled, "Zorry Zorry it vas her idea yaya zorry!" Steven lost his temper. He was so sick of these two!

"Pietro! PUT ME DOWN!" Pietro gave a mighty heave, bringing the cart to a dead stop. Wanda lost her balance and pitched forward off into Steve, knocking him backwards. In a tangle of arms and legs, the two of them flew into Tony, who was just coming out of the bathroom. BAM. They crashed backwards into the bathroom, breaking the door into little splinters.

"Owwwww." Steve groaned from where he had been jammed between the toilet and the sink.

"I am not paying for that." Tony spat from on top of the sink.

"Wooohoooo! Again brother Pietro!" Wanda cheered from under Tony. Then she added, "'Ey, friend Tony, could you move please? Za vater faucet is diggink into my zternum."

Natasha and Clint hurried to the back of the plane to check on their teammates. "Wow," Natasha smirked, "That was impressive." Clint pumped his fist. "Yes! I got it all on video tape!" He shouted.

"I wanted to go to the Bahamas," Bruce mumbled from behind his seat.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Arrival**

Pepper Potts yawned, stretched, and peeled herself out of her chair. The plane had just touched down in Aspen, and it was time to unload. She strode down the aisle to the back of the plane where Wanda and Pietro were hog-tied with duck-tape to their chairs. Her cheery grin vanished when she noticed that Wanda had somehow turned the TV on and was watching Veggietales. Wha...? Pepper squinted down at Wanda, whose eyes, fixed unblinkingly on the screen, were bugging out of her head. Tied next to his sister, Pietro shot Pepper an evil glare. "You forget zat my zeester ees telekinetic. Tyink 'er to a chair ees fruitless."

Pepper rolled her eyes and rubbed her temples. She had stayed safely in the cockpit when Steve chased Wanda and Pietro around the cabin before catching them and tying them up. "Alright, you two. We're getting off the plane now." She pulled her special duct-tape cutter out of her pocket, sliced them loose, and turned off the television.

"But nooooooo," Wanda wailed.

Pepper ignored her. "Now. If you two do anything. I will personally have Thor send you back to New York. The hard way." Not giving the twins a chance to reply, she marched back up the aisle to retrieve her luggage.

In the airport, the Avengers split up to deter publicity. Luckily, the paparazzi would have a hard time spotting them anyway, given that it was -20 degrees outside and everybody was bundled up like the Michelin man. After everyone had completed their various missions, they all met up with Thor and Jane at a rented bus parked out front. Eventually, they got on the road, after spending about an hour trying to jam everybody's luggage into the luggage compartment beneath the bus (I still can't believe you brought 5 suitcases, Tony!). The bus took the long, winding road up into the snowy mountains to their hotel/ski lodge.

After about 2 hours of peaceful driving (they had retied Wanda and Pietro to the backest bench), the Avengers arrived at their destination. Summoning 15 valets to help them, they trooped up the wide stone steps into the lodge. All of the Avengers released little sounds of exclamation as they took in their new residence.

The wooden ceiling soared high above their heads. A mammoth stone fireplace dominated most of the room, with fire crackling merrily inside it. Cushy leather furniture was scattered throughout the hall in little clumps. Opposite from the fireplace was a huge wall of windows that looked out on the snowy mountainside. Mistletoe and holly berries dotted the walls. Behind the fireplace, a balcony overlooked the room.

"BIG FURRY RED MAN!" Wanda shouted with glee, running forward and wrapping her arms around a large inflatable Santa Claus.

Thor nodded his head in appreciation of the accommodations. "This place," he bellowed, "I like it." Jane nodded in agreement.

"Yep," she said, "It has a wonderful lack of obnoxious interns."

Tony immediately started estimating how much the lodge would cost. Clint itched to run around the room and peg all the mistletoe decorations with arrows, but he restrained himself because Laura thought she had confiscated all of his many weapons, and he didn't want to dissuade her of that belief by pulling out his collapsible bow. Bruce walked over to the window and looked out at the beautiful scenery. Natasha joined him, but secretly logged all the possible escape routes at the same time. Vision just floated above it all, literally. After Tony paid up, the Avengers went to see their rooms.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:Preparation**

After a late breakfast with his teammates, Steve returned to his room and fell face-first onto the bed. He was very tired. He hadn't been able to get a wink of sleep last night because Wanda and Pietro were next door. Arguing about who had to sleep in the bathtub (Steve was very confused, as their room had two king beds).

"Hey! Capsickle!" Tony barked.

"Whuuuuut?" Steve pulled a pillow over the back of his ear, only to have it violently ripped off.

"We're goin' skiing!"

Poor Steve met up with the rest of the team on the deck. As he looked around, he laughed when he saw that everybody's skiing outfits were pretty much puffier translations of their normal color themes. Clint was wrapped in a dark purple suit, Thor in metallic gray. Spying the twins, Seve frowned. Wanda and Pietro had matching red and blue gear, but they each had only one ski. Steve turned to Tony for an explanation.

Tony grimaced, saying, "Yeah, I had to purchase too much gear so they ran out of matching skis. All they had left was one Olympic stunt ski and one adult sized "Tiny Tykes Extra Tread Safety First No-Slip What-A-Balanced-Baby!" ski.. So, yeah. You can tell which one got which." Steve turned back to the twins. Pietro was zipping around at high speed, catching air at every turn. Wanda was schlupping slowly forward in a straight line, bludgeoning the ground with her ski pole in a vain attempt to gain speed. She was quite the sight, kicking her foot, writhing, and jerking her body like a porpoise to get any movement whatsoever on her solitary ski, all while grinning like a madwoman and singing Sokovian ballads about mythical bovine humanoids.

Natasha was clothed in a strangely pointy looking black suit, with a little red hour-glass belt buckle. Steve gulped, and walked over to her. "Do you... have weapons under there?' Steve quivered..

"Of course not, Steven," Natasha grinned evilly. "You just never know if you might have to sabotage someone who is showing you up on the slopes!" Steve just stared. As Natasha had so loudly proclaimed on the bus ride, she had been skiing many times before, and was very serious about it.

"Ok," Steve gulped again. "Just... don't ski near me, alright? I've never done this before, and I don't need you with your collapsible bazookas and foldable maces anywhere near me."

"Fine," Natasha said airily. "I'll just focus on Tony. He's the only one might have a chance of competing with me." She flounced away in a whirl of pointy snow gear.

"Speak of the devil," Steve mumbled under his breath as Tony banged out onto the deck from the lodge.

"Okguyslet'sgoourskigearisoverbythedoorcomeon!" Back inside the lodge he danced.

"Alright,, let's go..." Pepper commanded. "We need to hurry. If we take any longer, Tony might have an accident," she added wryly.

Eventually, the group got their ski gear on. The Vision stayed at the lodge, as he had only come along on the trip to appease the others.

Thor, Steve, Jane, Bruce, and the twins boarded the 45 second lift ride to the Bunny Slope for toddlers. Then Clint, Laura, and Pepper hopped onto the lift for the slightly longer ride to the intermediate trail. Lastly, Tony, who decided his reputation meant more to him than survival, joined Natasha on the lift for their 50 minute long trip to the Double Black Diamond trail (where the mountain goats wear safety gear!).


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: On The Slopes**

"Umm...guys?" Bruce Banner whimpered as he stood next to a large rock on the side of the trail. "Can somebody help me, please?" He was stuck fast. Up at the top of the bunny slope, Bruce had made Thor use Mjolner to give him a speed boost on a dare from Pietro. However, he hadn't gotten very far. He had skidded about 15 feet down the itty bitty hill, swerved sideways, and hit the very large rock head on. He wasn't hurt, but the first foot of his right ski was jammed under the boulder. Bruce was about to call for help again when he saw Steve sloooowwlly slide down the hill toward him.

"Coming, Bruce, coming..." Steve clenched his teeth. He wasn't catching on to this new sport very well. Putting one foot in front of the other, he hesitantly made his way to Bruce. After he reached his needy friend, he picked up the 500 pound rock with one hand, effortlessly lifting it off Bruce's mangled gear. Steve was about to yell for Thor to fly to the lodge and get Bruce a new ski when Pietro zinged up beside him. Pietro was a natural at skiing. He was enhancing his ride with his super speed, creating a massive steaming rut in the snow where he was pushing off with his ski poles at 500mph.

"Do you need somezink, friend Steven?"

Steve nodded, pointing to Bruce's broken ski. "Yeah, I do. Would you zip down to the lodge and get Bruce another ski? A right one, please?"

Pietro smiled happily. "Yaya, friend. Alvays glad to 'elp."

Pietro was about to push off when Wanda yelled, from the top of the hill, "Oh, broooottttthhhhhheeeeerrrr? Vould you mind gettink me another ski pole? I zeem to 'ave broken zis vone."

Pietro sighed, nodded in assent, and zapped off down the hill toward the lodge, passing Thor and Jane.

As Pietro flashed past, Thor turned, grabbed a large rock, and blasted it with Mjolner, setting it on fire. Then, he turned, slushed his ski poles into the snow, and schlupped on down the hill, grasping the flaming rock with one hand. After he had picked up some speed, he hurled the rock with major force into the nearest clump of trees. Five seconds later, the thunder god was tackled by Bruce, Steve, Jane, and Wanda. "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?" Steve screamed as he attempted to pin Thor to the ground.

"...Skiing..." Thor said, a hurt look on his face as he stood up, effortlessly brushing off his friends.

"What on earth do you mean?" Steve was very angry.

"Mortal, do not try my patience. I was simply skiing. Do you mean to tell me that here, on Midgard, you do not use flaming rocks?" Steve got confused look on his face. Thor patiently continued, "The purpose of skiing is to see who can set the most trees on fire while sliding down an icy slope, is it not?"

"I don't zink zo," said Wanda.

"No," said Steve.

"Nope," said Jane.

Bruce pushed his goggles farther up on his nose and said, "Thor, what happens in Asgard stays in Asgard, alright? But we can't argue about that. Right now, I think we have a bigger problem." He put his hand's on Steve's and Thor's shoulders and turned them around to face the small but steadily growing forest fire.

Up on the intermediate slope, Clint, Laura, and Pepper were having a pleasant time. They were just...skiing. No singing, no setting trees on fire, and definitely no picking up of huge boulders! Pepper and Laura were becoming fast friends, their normal personalities a blissful relief from the chaos of traveling with the Avengers. Clint was just happy to be with Laura without his children, because, even though he loved his kids, his long absences from home meant that he rarely got time alone with Laura without them. Their relaxation was unimpeded... until they saw the tendrils of smoke whispering up through the trees.

"...Why?" Clint whimpered.

Laura and Pepper looked at each other, looked at Clint, and sped off down the hill towards the bunny slope.

Oblivious to the drama unfolding down below, Tony and Natasha were engaged in a furious competition on the Double Black Diamond slope (where the mountain goats wear safety gear!).

"Haha! Try to keep up, Romanoff!" Tony shouted, cutting past Natasha and sending a spray of ice at the Black Widow.

Tasha wiped the smear of water off her goggles, a determined fire coming into her eyes. Bending down mid turn, the Widow wrenched her collapsible flamethrower out of her ski boots with her teeth, pressed the button to unfold it, and sent a giant fireball pinwheeling at Tony.

"DIE A FIERY DEATH, YOU INSOLENT CIVILIAN! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!"

"Eeeeeep!" Tony ducked under the blaze of flame and accidentally ran into a small cluster of bushes. Tumbling head over heels, the inventor landed upside-down in the snow with his skiis pointing up towards the sky.

"Bwahahahahaha!" Natasha gloated, skidding past Tony in a swirl of snow. Tony slowly dug himself out of the snow and onto his hands and knees. Looking up, he spied the smoke from Thor's flaming rocks. "Natasha, how could you?" He shouted, thinking that Natasha's flame thrower had started the forest fire. From farther down the slope, Natasha's voice crackled over Tony's ear comm.

"I didn't do it."

"What do you mean?!"

"I didn't start the fire. It's coming from the bunny slope... where the twins are!"

Tony frantically redoubled his efforts to right himself, and eventually succeeded. Natasha was waiting for him. Together, they hurried on down towards the fire.

Filled with dread, the skiers from the intermediate slope and the Double Black Diamond slope (where the mountain goats wear safety gear!) slid skillfully to a stop next to Steve, who was crying a little, in shame, as he stared at the now-raging fire. Thor was smiling proudly at his handiwork and ignoring Jane, who was screaming at his sternum and jumping up and down on his toes. Wanda and Pietro were throwing snow at the fire in a wild attempt to put it out. Bruce sat a little ways away, head in hand, on the rock that had busted his ski. Jane stopped freaking out and ran over to Clint. She tugged on her hair in distress and moaned, "The fire's getting to big! Wha'do'we'do? Wha'do'we'do?"

Natasha stepped forward and asked, "Who the heck did this?!"

Suddenly, Bruce interrupted. "Are those trumpets I hear?" (*begin William Tell Overture*) Just then, Vision floated majestically through the smoke of the burning trees. In his super-strong super-red arms, the synthezoid carried two giant buckets of fire extinguisher. Flying low over the trees, he released each bucket over the burning forest. Then, he dropped the empty buckets, swooped down, grabbed Mjolnr, and flew over to a large snowbank. Twirling the magic hammer, Vision created a massive wind that lifted the snowbank and dropped in onto the fire, completely smothering it. He then floated down to the dumbstruck Avengers. Wordlessly, he handed Mjolnr to Thor, nodded Steve, and flew back into the air. The synthezoid disappeared over the hill (*end William Tell Overture*)

The Avengers stared uselessly at the Vision's retreating cape.

"How does he even do that?!" Clint shouted, waving his arms and breaking the silence.

"And the sound effects!" Tony breathed.

Thor smiled proudly after the worthy Vision, smacking Mjolnr against his palm in appreciation. "There flyeth a good man, a good man," he boomed. Jane sat down on the wet snow in embarrassment.

Wanda and Pietro finally realized that the fire was out, but kept on throwing snow, because it was fun.

"I think that's enough skiing for one day," said Pepper, before she was hit square in the face by a flying ball of snow from Wanda. "Hey!" Pepper bent down, scooped up a handful of snow, and lobbed it at the Scarlet Witch. Wanda ducked quickly, and Pepper's snowball hit Steve. Soon all the Avengers were engaged in a glorious snowball fight. After a while, everyone (except Pietro, who wasn't tired or wet, because nobody could hit him unless he wanted them too) was soaking wet and tired, so they all trooped slowly back to the lodge for hot cocoa.

As the Avengers walked through the doors and into the lodge, they all sighed at the blast of warmth emanating from the huge fireplace. Wanda immediately ran over and leaned waaaay into the fire to get herself as warm as possible. Unfortunately, Wanda had gone too far. With an ominous crackle, all of her half curly, stringy brown hair caught fire with a whoosh. Pietro gave a yelp, and tried to run to her aid. But, he was restrained by Laura, who put a cautioning arm on his chest. "Don't worry, Pietro. He's got it." Pietro nodded in understanding. "Ah. He." By now, knowing what to expect, the Avengers walked over to the sofas and plunked themselves down, watching as the Vision floated down through the chimney, wrapped his arms around Wanda's head, smothered the fire, gave Wanda a reassuring pat on the shoulder, and floated back up to his room, the William Tell Overture playing perkily in the background.

"Encore, encore..." Tony's voice trailed off as he stuffed his face with popcorn.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: End of the Line**

With a squeal of joy, Wanda Maximoff hurled herself out of bed and into her bathroom. Brushing her hair, putting on her gloves, brushing her teeth, and buttoning her shirt/dress all at the same time, she hurried to prepare herself for the day's skiing adventures. She was about to slide on her precious precious combat boots when she sat down on the floor with a "thump." She had remembered. Today was leaving day. She gave a pitiful little sniffle. Then a sob. Then, a "WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAHHHHHH!"

As she paused to breathe, she heard a muffled "Vill you shut up? I'm tryink to sleeeeeeep" emanating from somewhere on Pietro's side of the room. Running back into the bedroom, she threw herself on top of the blanket-covered lump on Pietro's bed with all her might.

"OOOH brother I don't vant to go please don't make me gooooooo!" Pietro gave a strangled cry and donkey-kicked Wanda off of him. This made Wanda send a full telekinetic barrage his way. Before Pietro could peel himself off the roof, the rest of the team arrived. Clint and Natasha zwoooshed through the window via a zipline arrow. Vision serenely floated down through the ceiling. Steve and Tony busted down the door with Spangles. Thor bashed through the roof, sending chunks of plaster hailing down from above. And Bruce didn't come, as he didn't want to risk a Code Green, which seemed to happen a lot when he was around the twins.

"Hoho!" Thor bellowed, sounding like Santa Claus. "What ails thee, friends? Why doth thou shriek as if you are in the digestive tracts of the despicable bilgesnipe?" Everybody just stopped what they were doing (yelling at/prying apart Wanda and Pietro), and stared at Thor.

"Okay moving on," Steve commanded. "What is the problem, and why were you screaming?"

Wanda and Pietro both answered at once. Pietro's response:"Vell, I vas lying in bed, and Vanda just jumped on top of me for no reason and I kicked her and she blew me through the wall. Zat hole over zere, I vas in it."

Wanda's response: "I vas getting ready for to go skiing again and I vas puttink my clothes on and zen I remembered zat ve are leavink today and I got zo zad zat I ran to Pietro for a hug but I 'ad forgotten 'ow he 'as gotten ZO grumpy zince ve joined you Americanks and he doesn't like it ven I hug him anymore and he got mad and zen I got mad and ve started fighting."

The rest of the Avengers just sat there, in various stages of awkward disbelief, as Steve proceeded to give the twins the lecture of their lives. After 14.5 minutes of screaming, Steve finally lowered his voice down to a manageable decibel. "Ok...ok. Getting control of myself. Tony, would you please go and explain things to the hotel manager? It also wouldn't hurt to pass him some cash."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: The Long Flight Home.**

Jane was beginning to regret taking the plane home instead of Mjolner. Turning around, she made a face at Wanda, who was sitting directly behind her. "Will you shut– please be quiet!" Jane hissed. She got a pitying glance from Pietro, who was sitting next to Wanda, but no answer from his twin. Wanda was singing, at the top of her very large lungs, "VE ARE ZE GRAPES. OF WRATH. VE NEVER TAKE A BATH! IT EEZ OUR STYLE TO ZELDOM ZMILE AND NE. VER. LAUGH. WE ARE ZE– " Having had enough, Jane grabbed her in-flight pillow and stuffed into Wanda's mouth. Laughing at Wanda's comical expression, she turned back around and snuggled down into her seat next to Thor, satisfied.

Farther up the plane, Bruce and Tony were having a looooong science conversation that sounded more Swahili than American. Laura was sitting behind them. Laura had taken her straw, and was blowing on the backs of Tony and Bruce's necks with it, to see how long she could keep it up before one of them snapped. Clint was videotaping with Steve's old camcorder.

Across the aisle, Steve was watching a 1940s war movie with Pepper. She was the only person that he could grab before they all ran away screaming. Pepper sat there silently, bored out of her mind.

Natasha and Vision were awkwardly making small talk a couple rows ahead of Steve and Pepper. Vision was sitting by the window, and Natasha was in the isle seat.

"So...How do you get the William Tell Overture to play like that?" Natasha questioned.

"I don't..." Vision said mysteriously. "Now, you must excuse me..." Vision stood, walked through Natasha's legs and into the aisle, and strode off toward the back of the plane, leaving Natasha to wonder.

"Aha." Natasha made a strangled little noise. Leaning over, she stuck her head out into the aisle to yell at Tony. "Are we there yet?"

Tony checked some funky technological thing and replied, "We are somewhere over Iowa right now, so, whatever that means!"

"Thanks, Tony." Natasha grumbled sarcastically. Suddenly, she spied Pepper making desperate "Save me!" hand motions and pointing to Steve, who had turned off the movie and was lecturing about the lack of clothing-decency in female minors nowadays. Natasha pulled out her phone to text her when weird noises started emanating from the back end of the plane. "Wha...?" Natasha climbed up on her seat and looked back. She gasped.

In the aisle, Thor and Wanda were having a no holds barred wrestling match, with Vision trying futilely to break them apart. Jumping to her feet, Natasha ran back to them. Wrenching out her pistol, she fired a few rounds of blanks at the ceiling. The fighters ceased their pummeling, caught in humourous poses as if Natasha had pressed the pause button. Thor was holding Wanda in the air by her throat with one hand, getting ready to punch her with the other. Wanda had one foot in Thor's mouth, and her hands were glowing ominously. Vision had his left hand on Thor's chest and was grabbing Wanda's jacket by the right.

"What the heck?!" Natasha shouted.

"Well, lady Natasha, this...woman," Thor spat. "This woman assaulted my lady Jane! She attempted to murder her!" Natasha raised her meticulously dyed eyebrows.

"Urkle," said Wanda, who was having trouble breathing through Thor's large hand.

"Actually," Jane corrected from her hiding spot behind Pietro. Pietro had valiantly dove to protect her when Wanda started glowing. "Wanda was singing a Veggietales song really loudly, so I stuffed a pillow in her mouth. Then Wanda tried to strangle me with telekinesis, which made Thor kinda mad, so..."

Natasha took a deep breath. "Ok. Thor? Put Wanda down. Vision, get your hands out of Thor's chest. Pietro, you can get off of Jane now." Taking charge, Natasha ordered everyone into their seats. Making sure that they were calm, Natasha stalked back up to the front of the plane. "It's gonna be a long flight," she sighed as she sat back into her seat.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Finally There.**

After FINALLY touching down on the S.A.F.U.N.Y. (Secret Avengers Facility in Upstate New York ) airstrip, the worn-out Avengers dragged themselves through the living room doors. While they were away, the Tonybots had repaired the ravaged room. After they gave their luggage to the helpful 'bots, they walked over to the new stuffy couches and plopped down in happy sedentariness. Right where they had started a week ago, before the Great Living Room Debacle.

"Hey," Bruce murmured, distractedly admiring the replacement coffee table. "We completely forgot about Christmas..."

"I am very concerned that we aren't more concerned about that than we are," Tony replied. "Well, Merry Late Christmas, kids. Your present was the trip." Clint was about to make up a stinging remark, when Steve interrupted.

"Hey, guys, that was an adventure. In all senses of the word. I'm not sure that I want any more adventures, actually." The patriotic man decided that he could pull a moral lesson from the experience. "But, anyway, I was thinking that maybe we could go around the room and say what lesson we learned on this, uh, trip. Maybe-"

"This ain't preschool, Rogers," Natasha retorted poutfully.

"No, no, ees good idea," Pietro trilled, catching on to the idea. There came a loud groan from the rest of the team.

"Thanks a lot, Steve," Tony whined.

"You go first, ya!" Wanda squeaked with joy, pointing to Tony.

"Ugh, ok. But remind me again why I hang with you guys. I'm obviously so much more-." Tony trailed off with warning look from Steve. "Lessee, what did I learn...I learned that we should never, ever, ever take team vacations."

"I learned that you guys are morons and need to be locked up," Natasha said, but she also desisted when Steve glowered at her.

"I learned that Vision is a very cool dude," Clint supplied.

"I learned that I hate skiing," Bruce said.

"I learned that Asgardian skiing is nothing like Midgardian skiing," Thor boomed.

"I learned that nothing ever works out like it's supposed to around you guys," Laura said.

"I learned that my boyfriend is very protective," Jane said fondly.

"I learned that next time, if there is a next time, we have a team vacation, I'll just stay home and run my company," Pepper smirked.

"I learned that team bonding isn't all what it's cracked up to be," Steve said.

"I learned that you all are surprisingly dependant upon me," Vision passively stated.

Steve turned to the twins, hoping that they had learned their lesson about being stupid. "Well, kids, what did you learn today?"

Wanda screamed in reply, "'CAUSE NOW VE KNOW ZAT GOD'S VORD EEES– " Jane smacked her in the face with a couch pillow for the second time.

"No Veggitales," Jane snarled.

Wanda extracted the pillow from her mouth and turned to her brother, saying, "Pietro, vhy don't you tell zem vhat ve learned on our trip?"

Pietro lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Ve learned zat..."

The twins linked arms and said in perfect harmony:

"Eeeen a race betveen a rabbit and a rock, don't varnish your pickled cabbages."

"What?!"

 **If you didn't understand the Veggietales references, look it up. Very Wanda, yes?**


End file.
